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Fans of Life On Mars
Fic: Bright and Shiny by nepthys_uk, Green Cortina 
23rd-Jul-2008 02:08 pm
Title: Bright and Shiny
Author: nepthys_uk
Characters: Other (inc. references to Sam/Gene)
Rating: Green Cortina for innuendo and implied slashiness.
Word Count: approx.1000.
Disclaimer: Belongs to Kudos and the BBC. This is just for fun, not for profit.
Notes: Yet more cleaning escapades with Edith and Edna (#3). Unbeta’d and devoid of artistic merit. Enjoy!

Previous parts can be found here:

1. Spick and Span

2. Neat and Tidy


 
“Urgh, Edna, it smells like a sweaty brewery in here!”
 
“Pooh! Pass me that air freshener out.”
 
“What did Phyllis say this was all in aid of?”
 
“Apparently they beat RCS in a footie competition.”
 
“Is that the poncey lot with that chap with the moustache in charge?”
 
“That doesn’t narrow it down much, Edith.”
 
“You can smell his aftershave from about a mile away.”
 
“Oh, him!”
 
“I always think he has a bit of Perry Como about him.”
 
“I don’t know which bit, I’m sure. I can’t stand him. More slimy than a bucket load of snails.”
 
“That's the one, all right. I’m glad our lads beat them - shame about the mess, though.”
 
“You’d think they’d been playing in here, given the state of the place.”
 
“The muddy football boots hanging from the lights is a nice touch.”
 
“Well, they can bally well stay there, as far as I’m concerned.”
 
“Ooooh – sounds like you got out of the wrong side of bed this morning, Edna.”
 
“Well, honestly. I have enough to contend with, what with my George the way he is, without having to be a flamin’ steeplejack into the bargain!”
 
“Oh dear. Has he not brightened up yet, then?”
 
“No. He thinks he’s got thinning of the blood. I keep telling him it’s just a bad cold, but he won’t listen. It’s all I can do to persuade him not to wear his balaclava to bed.”
 
“Oh, dear. Sounds like Mabel White’s husband.”
 
“Go on then. What did he have - thinning of the blood, or a balaclava?”
 
“Neither; but he wouldn’t be parted from his flat cap for love nor money. You’d’ve thought it was glued to his head.”
 
“Was he the one with the whippets?”
 
“No, the one with the Hillman Imp.”
 
“Umm…”
 
“You know, used to be a green grocer.”
 
“Err…”
 
“He’s always carries an umbrella about.”
 
“Hang on – is he the one with the false leg?”
 
“Yes!”
 
“Honestly, Edith, you might have mentioned that bit sooner…”
 
“Sorry, I was a bit distracted trying to get the mud off this chair.”
 
“Hmm. Ooooh – look at this. There’s a football shirt in this bin!”
 
“Urgh. I wonder how it got into that state.”
 
“Hmm. I can understand the grass stains, but how you get bloodstains from playing football is beyond me.”
 
“Is it young Christopher’s? Poor lad. If I’d been there I’d’ve put a bandage on it for him!”
 
“Edith!”
 
“Or a bag of peas for his swelling!”
 
“Edith!!”
 
“I might even have kissed it better!”
 
Edith Watson, shame on you!! Anyway, I doubt it’s his - Phyllis said they put him in goal. I just hope it’s not Ray’s – he’s supposed to be going out with that lass from the newsagents this weekend and she’s not the sort to be impressed by a bust lip.”
 
“Speaking of newsagents – I haven’t told you the big news!”
 
“What, have they finally started stocking Woman’s Realm?”
 
“No! Well, yes, but that’s not the news. Marjorie says that her sister has seen her neighbours at it!”
 
“At what?”
 
Kissing! In their back garden!”
 
“No! DCI Hunt and his lodger?”
 
“Yes!”
 
“Oh, come on, now. Surely they wouldn’t do that in broad daylight!?”
 
“Well, they did! Apparently, it was last Thursday night – you know, when it was a really nice evening – and they were out in the garden on deck chairs.”
 
“What, just right there in the garden? In plain view?”
 
“Yes! Marjorie says her sister reckons you can’t help but see if you look out the back bedroom window and hold a mirror just so.”
 
“Hmm. She has a lot of time on her hands, Marjorie’s sister.”
 
“Well, she’s got nothing else to do, you see, what with recovering from that operation.”
 
“Oh, yes. How’s she doing?”
 
“Not bad, but she still isn’t supposed to cough or sneeze.”
 
“Mm. So what did they do, exactly?”
 
“Well, I’m not sure but I think they took everything out - down there.”
 
“What?!”
 
“Marjorie’s sister. Had to have everything out. You know – a hysteriaectomy.”
 
“Never mind about that, Edith! What about her neighbours?”
 
“Oh! Well, so they were sitting on their deck chairs and apparently the young one from Hyde leaned over - and kissed DCI Hunt!”
 
“No!”
 
“Yes! Full on the lips, and everything! And they were getting very friendly, if you know what I mean.”
 
“Erm, I’m not sure I do…”
 
“Oh, well, you know – roaming hands!”
 
“Very continental. I thought you said he was from Hyde?”
 
“Roaming not Roman, for God’s sake, Edna!”
 
“Oh-hhh.”
 
“Well, apparently then they put their deck chairs back a notch—”
 
“Yes?”
 
“--and Marjorie’s sister had to go and get a bigger mirror.”
 
“So what happened then?”
 
“Well, she strained something but the pain’s mostly gone.”
 
“Yes, but what happened with them?”
 
“Oh. By the time she came back they’d gone indoors.”
 
“That’s a shame.”
 
“Yes, but she shouldn’t have been lifting anything in the first place, really.”
 
“She’s not the only one – give me a hand with this desk, would you.”
 
“What’s this wedged on…Ooof – that’s it.”
 
“Oh, charming – a stack of back copies of Jugs.”
 
“Blimey, look at this!”
 
“Edith! Put that down! You don’t know where it’s been!”
 
“I’ve got a fair idea – the pages are stuck together.”
 
“Urgh!”
 
“At least I’ve got rubber gloves on this time.”
 
“Well, all I can say is they clearly aren’t all queers.”
 
“Maybe not, but we’ve got an eye-witness now, don’t forget!”
 
“It might not have been what it looked like.”
 
“Edna, really - what on earth could they have been doing, then?”
 
“Well…maybe that lad was just helping DCI Hunt get something out of his eye.”
 
“Nonsense!”
 
“It’s possible!”
 
“Rubbish!”
 
“It could have been!”
 
“What rot!”
 
“Well, I for one can’t picture a grand upstanding man like DCI Hunt getting up to those sorts of shenanigans with another fella.”
 
“If you can picture ‘im upstanding then you’re halfway there!”
 
“Oh, Edith! You are a caution!”
 
“Well, I’m nearly done here. Could you manage a bite to eat, cos I’m feeling a bit peckish.”
 
“As it happens, I could. How about that greasy spoon just round the corner? I’ve heard they do a nice cooked breakfast.”
 
“Ooooh, yes, good idea – for some reason I’m just in the mood for a sausage this morning!”




And now, there's more:

4. Clean and Sparkling 

 

LoM Beer
Comments 
23rd-Jul-2008 01:31 pm (UTC)
Oh those two old gossips!I still cannot believe that Edith wants to jump Chris' bones. However Marjories sister needs to mind her p's and q's...

I really love this fic.
23rd-Jul-2008 10:17 pm (UTC)
I still cannot believe that Edith wants to jump Chris' bones

Oh, I'm sure she's just kidding...probably.

Thanks for leaving a comment!
23rd-Jul-2008 01:32 pm (UTC)
...devoid of artistic merit.

Allow me to wildly disagree. Humour is an artistry all of its own and you've mastered it.

So there.

“Well, she strained something but the pain’s mostly gone.”

*dies* *a thousand times over*

This is just so charming, and hysterically funny, and I love outsider POV so damn much.

And the punchline!

It's priceless. I really enjoy these stories.
23rd-Jul-2008 10:20 pm (UTC)
Humour is an artistry all of its own and you've mastered it.

Aww. *shuffles feet in embarassed but quite delighted way*

Thanks very much for this - I really appreciate the comment ♥
23rd-Jul-2008 01:37 pm (UTC)
“Yes! Marjorie says her sister reckons you can’t help but see if you look out the back bedroom window and hold a mirror just so.”

brilliant, just brilliant!!!!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:21 pm (UTC)
I know it sounds odd because I wrote it, but I think that was my favourite line, too!

Thanks for leaving a comment :)
23rd-Jul-2008 01:46 pm (UTC)
“Yes! Marjorie says her sister reckons you can’t help but see if you look out the back bedroom window and hold a mirror just so.”

“--and Marjorie’s sister had to go and get a bigger mirror.”

ROFL!!!!! You just made my day! I will be grinning for hours! XD Thanks!

I want to give Edith and Edna an Oscar!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:23 pm (UTC)
Yes, Marjorie's sister has a thoroughly devious side!

Thanks for the comment :)
23rd-Jul-2008 02:00 pm (UTC)
These just keep getting better -the voices and humour are spot on. Especially loved this line:

“Yes! Marjorie says her sister reckons you can’t help but see if you look out the back bedroom window and hold a mirror just so.”

xx
23rd-Jul-2008 10:24 pm (UTC)
Ah yes - I think that line wins the 'most quoted' prize for this fic!

Glad you enjoyed it :)
23rd-Jul-2008 02:06 pm (UTC)
Oh my God. You owe me a keyboard, screen and a cup of coffee for this one.
23rd-Jul-2008 10:26 pm (UTC)
Oh dear! I'll send Edith and Edna round right away to mop up ;)

Thanks for leaving a comment :)
23rd-Jul-2008 02:48 pm (UTC)
“Well, I’m not sure but I think they took everything out - down there.”

“What?!”

“Marjorie’s sister. Had to have everything out. You know – a hysteriaectomy.”


That damn near killed me. Haha, the hysteria-ectomy and the misunderstanding that Gene and Sam took everything out down there...Hee! And you know, that Marjorie's sister is one clever lass, hell she could have been any one of us! Bless her and her bigger mirror : )

I love Edith and Edna!!! Another great, absolutely funny part of this series that by the way, is FULL of artistic merit!!!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:28 pm (UTC)
I for one would love to be invited round to Marjorie's sister's for a cup of tea - and a look out the back bedroom window!

Really pleased you liked it ♥
23rd-Jul-2008 02:50 pm (UTC)
I really have to learn some restraint and not read these at work. I really love Edith and Edna though. And I love that Marjorie sister has worked out the angles with the mirror.
23rd-Jul-2008 10:29 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for letting me know you enjoyed it :)
23rd-Jul-2008 02:52 pm (UTC)
Mercy, but these two biddies make me quite happy.
23rd-Jul-2008 10:30 pm (UTC)
Thanks very much ;)
23rd-Jul-2008 03:20 pm (UTC)
As much as I'm loving Edith and Edna, Marjorie's sister is easily starting to compete for my undying affection, what with her mirror turned just-so and her, well, bigger mirror, lol. And the last line made my inner teenager giggle for an inappropriately long time :)
23rd-Jul-2008 10:32 pm (UTC)
Marjorie's sister is easily starting to compete for my undying affection

Yes, I think she's one resourceful and determined woman!

So glad this made you giggle :D
23rd-Jul-2008 04:35 pm (UTC)

I'll just admit, right here for the record, that I keep seeing Hinge and Bracket in my head, albeit in pinnies. *g*

Lovely gossip, with the typical misunderstandings and lengthy digressions of all such gossip, except a whole lot funnier!

Thanks!:D
23rd-Jul-2008 10:40 pm (UTC)
Hinge and Bracket

Hehe! I loved H&B when I were a nipper!

But if I'm honest, the 'artistic inspiration' for this comes from a combination of the Two Ronnies in drag (I seem to recall a musical number as cleaning ladies, no less), Les Dawson and Roy Baraclough as Cissie and Ada, and just a soupcon of Dolly and Jean from dinnerladies (which I love with a passion). There. Now I've completely ruined the illusion of any originality whatsoever :)
23rd-Jul-2008 04:44 pm (UTC)
I love hearing these two gossip! And I love the bug-in-the-eye excuse. Very Wodehouse. I hope you keep these coming!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:43 pm (UTC)
And I love the bug-in-the-eye excuse. Very Wodehouse

Oh - I hadn't thought of that (even though I am a long-time lurker at indeed!sir for lovely Jeeves & Wooster slash)!

Thanks for leaving a comment :)

As for keeping them coming, I think there will be at least one more...
23rd-Jul-2008 06:11 pm (UTC)
I love these!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much :)
23rd-Jul-2008 08:23 pm (UTC)
Ha! The dusting divas strike again :D

These two are hilarious. Too bad the DVDs are already out for the series - I would pay extra for a commentary by them.

“If you can picture ‘im upstanding then you’re halfway there!”

I may or may not have laughed like an idiot all the way through this. I don't think it's only Marjorie's sister that's strained something ♥
23rd-Jul-2008 10:50 pm (UTC)
I don't think it's only Marjorie's sister that's strained something

oh dear! Perhaps I can send the Guv round to give you a bit of physio - sounds like he's good with those Roman hands!

Delighted you enjoyed it :)
23rd-Jul-2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
NYAAAAH!!!!!!

Bestest line:

Yes! Marjorie says her sister reckons you can’t help but see if you look out the back bedroom window and hold a mirror just so.

And also, the BEAUTY of this:

"Well, I for one can’t picture a grand upstanding man like DCI Hunt getting up to those sorts of shenanigans with another fella."

“If you can picture ‘im upstanding then you’re halfway there!”


XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

If I asked nicely again, will you give us more fic?
23rd-Jul-2008 10:52 pm (UTC)
If I asked nicely again, will you give us more fic?

dawwwww - all right then! I think there'll be at least one more.

Thanks for the comment - very pleased you like it :)
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