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Fans of Life On Mars
Fic: Neat and Tidy, nepthys_uk, Green Cortina 
22nd-Jul-2008 12:01 am
 
Title: Neat and Tidy
Author: nepthys_uk
Characters: Other (inc. references to Sam & Gene)
Rating: Green Cortina for innuendo and implied slashiness.
Word Count: approx.1000.
Disclaimer: Belongs to Kudos and the BBC. This is just for fun, not for profit.
Notes: The further adventures of Edith and Edna (# 2). More cleaning silliness for those requesting a sequel - just goes to show you should be careful what you wish for. Unbeta'd.
 
Sequel to Spick and Span

Followed by Bright and Shiny
 

 
“Good Heavens! Just look at this, Edith!”
 
“Disgraceful, that. And him in charge, and all.”
 
“You’d think he’d make more of an effort to keep his own office tidy. Set an example, you know.”
 
“But all these papers on the floor…do you think they’ve been burgled?”
 
“Don’t be ridiculous, Edith, who would burgle a police station!”
 
“Well, it’s either that or there’s been a very small whirlwind in here. At least the desk is clear, I suppose.”
 
“Hmpf. I didn’t know there was a desk under all those files. Pass me the Pledge, would you?”
 
“I’ll just have to sweep all these papers in a big pile. I mean, I don’t know which one goes where…”
 
“Just look at this desk – I don’t know what these stains are, but I’m going to need that extra-strength disinfectant.”
 
“Mind yourself with that: it can give your skin a nasty burn. I would dilute it first, if I were you.”
 
“Hmm. It’s going to need a good scrubbing, too.”
 
“Later on, shall we try that new café? I’ve heard they do smashing cream cakes.”
 
“Is that the one with the spotty lad behind the counter?"
 
“Oh, no – I’m not going back there, not after the French Fancies I had last time. Now then, let’s see…Oh, look: there’s another empty scotch bottle in the bin.”
 
“Isn’t that the third this week?”
 
“Yes!”
 
“Ah – but it looks like he was sharing – see the glasses on the top there, Edith?”
 
“Ooooo yes!”
 
“Let’s have a gander - any lipstick on them?”
 
“Edna! I’ve heard some funny things about DCI Hunt, but I don’t think he wears lipstick!”
 
“I don’t mean his glass, dear, I mean did he have a woman in here?”
 
“Oh. No…doesn’t look like it. Anyway, he wouldn’t, would he.”
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“Did I not tell you?”
 
“Tell me what?”
 
“Oh, that’s right, I was going to tell you, then I got distracted when we saw Ray outside and I had to tell you about how he split up with Janice because she two-timed him with that hairdresser, although I think it was only to get a cheap perm…”
 
“I’m not getting any younger, here, Edith.”
 
“Well, I spoke to Marjorie the other day, and she says he’s moved in! Him from Hyde!”
 
“What, with Marjorie? That’s very broad-minded of her husband…”
 
“No, not with Marjorie, for goodness sake, with DCI Hunt! Marjorie’s sister says that he moved in last weekend. With boxes and everything. So you see: just goes to show!”
 
“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Edith! There’s nothing unusual about having a lodger. My uncle Peter had one for years.”
 
“Never married, did he, your uncle Peter.”
 
“Well, not as such, no…”
 
“And isn’t he the one who liked musicals?”
 
“Lots of people like Judy Garland. Pass me that cloth.”
 
“Open your eyes, Edna. It’s going on everywhere, you know!”
 
“All right: I’ll grant you, Uncle Peter’s lodger did have a lisp and a cat called Byron, but I think DCI Hunt’s more of a Western man, what with that poster.”
 
“Oh. Well. Maybe.”
 
“I don’t hold with all that violence. I like those lovely old films, you know, with girls being girls…”
 
“Ooooh, yes, like Doris Day?”
 
“Yes. And men being men – like that lovely Rock Hudson. I love Pillow Talk. Not that I get much of that at home.”
 
“Your George still being a bit funny?”
 
“Well, first the light had to be out. Then he couldn’t do it before a darts night in case it spoiled his game. Now he says he can’t do it with the dog in the room. But then he has got a nasty nip on him…”
 
“That’s a bit racy, for your George.”
 
“Not George, the dog, Edith, the dog!”
 
“Oh!  Not much else in this bin – wonder what he had for his breakfast?”
 
“Well, I usually give him Pedigree Chum.”
 
“Not the dog, Edna, DCI Hunt!”
 
“Ohhh. No signs of a bacon butty, then?”
 
“No. Ah, but that all makes sense! Marjorie said that lad’s been bringing shopping in – apparently, he likes to cook!”
 
“No!”
 
“Yes!”
 
“So, do you think he’s sort of the girl?”
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“Well, if – and that’s a big if, Edith – if they are doing it, is that Hyde lad the woman in bed, do you think?
 
“Edna!”
 
“What!? You’re the one who keeps going on about it!”
 
“Well. I don’t think you can tell just by looking.”
 
“That’s true enough. Can’t judge a book by its cover.”
 
“No. Look at that new bus conductor.”
 
“What about him?”
 
“Turns out he has a glass eye and three ex-wives.”
 
 “Oooooh, and you wouldn’t have thought he had it in him.”
 
“It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it. Pass me the bucket, would you?”
 
“Careful with that leather sofa, Edith, it needs proper cream on it.”
 
“Ah. Erm. I think it’s already had it.”
 
“What…?”
 
“Well, what does that look like to you?”
 
“I’m sure I couldn’t say what that is, but I would put rubber gloves on if I were you.”
 
“Oh, come on, Edna!”
 
“Really, Edith, even if they were doing it, they’d hardly be doing it in here, would they!”
 
“Don’t see why not.”
 
“Well, there’s not much room on that sofa, for a start.”
 
“There’s room enough for a bit of slap and tickle, believe you me! And what about the desk?”
 
“You’re not suggesting that they…well, how?”
 
“I imagine one of them bends over and the other one…you know. Calls round the tradesman’s entrance.”
 
“Oh my God!”
 
“For heaven’s sake, Edna, it’s not that shocking--”
 
“No, it’s not that! Just - I’ve put full-strength disinfectant on it!”
 
“Oh Lord. It will probably be all right when it’s dried. But just in case, you rinse the desk off with a load of water, while I see what I can do with this sofa.”
 
“Right. By, I’ll be ready for a cup of tea after all this. But I tell you what, Edith--”
 
“Hmm?”
 
“--I’ve gone right off cream cakes.”
 

 
Endnote: imagine my amusement when I looked up Pedigree Chum (to check that it was being manufactured in 1973/4) and found this: http://www.definition-of.com/pedigree+chum
 
 
 
LoM Beer
Comments 
21st-Jul-2008 11:30 pm (UTC)
i just snorted beer through my nose reading this! I love edna and edith
23rd-Jul-2008 10:22 am (UTC)
Sorry about the beer *passes you kleenex* but very pleased that you enjoyed this so much :)
21st-Jul-2008 11:47 pm (UTC)
I also snorted my drink reading this

Rock Hudson

Judy Garland

I am in love LMAO
23rd-Jul-2008 10:23 am (UTC)
*passes round the kleenex box*

Delighted you enjoyed it:) Thank you!
21st-Jul-2008 11:52 pm (UTC)
I hadn't read the other one, but I'm off to read it right now.
23rd-Jul-2008 10:24 am (UTC)
Thank you - hope you liked that too!
22nd-Jul-2008 12:06 am (UTC)
OMG I think, yeah I'm pretty sure you just became my new hero. This is the funniest thing I have read in ages!! I was LOLing all over the place here, really.

I don't even know where to begin other than to say that this takes place, in my personal canon, right after that fic I just posted the other day, haha. I figure there are stains all over it after that night, and you know, papers and stuff all over the floor and all...And all that talk about Sam, that DI from Hyde, being a lodger and maybe he likes to cook, and hey, ya think he is the girl? OMG that was just toooooo good! I am gonna stop because I could go on forever here. In fact, I am going to save this to my memories and then go read it again because I love it!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:25 am (UTC)
this takes place, in my personal canon, right after that fic I just posted the other day

- ooooh, it does fit in remarkably well, doesn't it!

Very pleased you like this so much:)
22nd-Jul-2008 12:17 am (UTC)
Yayy, they're back! Really great as usual, and can't blame the ladies for speculating if Edna's husband is that much of a bore now, can you? The poor dear.

I love that Sam cooking is every bit as scandalous and whisper-inducing as the idea of him and Gene having sex, really cute and hilarious :)
23rd-Jul-2008 10:29 am (UTC)
I love that Sam cooking is every bit as scandalous and whisper-inducing as the idea of him and Gene having sex

tehe! A bloke who enjoys cooking is clearly very dubious!

Thanks for commenting - I'm really glad you liked it :)
22nd-Jul-2008 03:23 am (UTC)
You do excellent banter and this was once more amusing and sweet, so thank you!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:29 am (UTC)
Thank you so much - it's really fun to write :)
22nd-Jul-2008 03:30 am (UTC)
Of course, the moment I read about those papers all over the floor, I knew what the desk had been used for. It's one hell of a tribute to Gene's talent though if he could distract Sam enough not to pick them up!

Lovely details like about the bus conductor. Thanks! :D


Oh and yeah, Doris! It appears to be my (not so) secret mission in life to have Doris Day penetrate *cough* LoM land -- I even compared Gene in pyjamas to her. Always good to find fellow Doris guerrillas!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:36 am (UTC)
I'm delighted you enjoyed it :)

And the Doris day thing is all your fault, actually, as you mentioned her in your comment to 'In the Cold Light of Day', and she clearly stuck in my mind (although I am quite a fan, anyway, if truth be told!). Glad to have aided you in your mission, Ma'am.

*salutes sharply*

*narrowly misses poking own eye out*
22nd-Jul-2008 03:47 am (UTC)
brilliant, just brilliant

I was laughing through all of this but the Rock Hudson comment and their outrage and Sam liking cooking kept setting me off again and again.

Nice work!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:37 am (UTC)
Thank you so much - very pleased to hear you like this :)
22nd-Jul-2008 04:02 am (UTC)
This was excellent. Must find the first one too! The bit about Doris and Rock had me giggling and omg, knew exactly what had happened on the desk given a certain story I just beta'd. Lol! But the cream and the disinfectant for the stains. Hilarious! As was all their speculation and the lowered voices when they thought they were talking about dirty deeds Loved this story. Thanks for the great laughs that I needed on a Monday!!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:40 am (UTC)
Glad to hear this helped to brighten up your Monday!

Thanks for the comment :)

in case you haven't already found it, there's a link to the first one at the top of this post
22nd-Jul-2008 04:24 am (UTC)
I LOVE THIS!!!!!

Yes. And men being men – like that lovely Rock Hudson.

I seriously couldn't stop laughing when I read that. I had to when my sister gave me a strange look, but DAMN...XD

Please ma'am, may I have some more?
23rd-Jul-2008 10:42 am (UTC)
Delighted to hear you love this so much :)

Please ma'am, may I have some more?

- well, seeing as how you've asked so nicely, I daresay there'll be another installment coming up soon :)
22nd-Jul-2008 08:42 am (UTC)
Oh dear - I should NOT have read this in work!

I just adore Edna and Edith - they remind me of that Babylon 5 ep where the comings and goings of the main characters were commented on by the maintenance crew - this was better though! LOL

I can't pick out my favourite bit although the Rock Hudson comment did cause hot chocolate to be sprayed across the files on my desk!

Please say there'll be more *begs pathetically*

23rd-Jul-2008 10:44 am (UTC)
Oh dear! *sends Edith and Edna round to mop up hot chocolate*

Glad you enjoyed it, and how can I resist pathetic begging? - there will be more soon :)
22nd-Jul-2008 11:32 am (UTC)
Hee! I love these two :D

Laugh-out-loud funny once again, and a tad hot by proxy. Glad to see Edna furthering her 'education' but I'm not sure anything could put me off my French Fancies. Although, if Gene was to offer his curly wurly in exchange, how could I resist?
23rd-Jul-2008 10:47 am (UTC)
if Gene was to offer his curly wurly in exchange, how could I resist

ooo-err Mrs!

I'm delighted I made you laugh out loud - there should be more of that in life, I think :)

Thanks for commenting!
22nd-Jul-2008 01:27 pm (UTC)
*snork* far too funny! Now who's gonna write the "Sam get's his todger burned by disinfectant" story? any takers?!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:48 am (UTC)
Oh, poor Sam! I'm sure it will be fine when it dries *smirk*

Glad you enjoyed it:)
22nd-Jul-2008 11:05 pm (UTC)
This is brilliant!
I love the thought of Sam suddenly yelling out in pain because of the disinfectant burning him.

I also love these gossiping ladies you've created. They're wonderful!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:51 am (UTC)
I love the thought of Sam suddenly yelling out in pain because of the disinfectant burning him

- noooo! Poor Sam (again)! And I thought I was writing comedy!

Thanks for leaving a comment ;)

23rd-Jul-2008 01:08 am (UTC)
Damn, I think I love you. ♥

LONG LIVE EDITH AND EDNA!
23rd-Jul-2008 10:53 am (UTC)
Damn, I think I love you. ♥

- right back atcha, Ducky :D

So glad you liked this - there will be further adventures in cleaning (at least one, anyway) :)
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