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Fic: Gene, Sam, and the Dirtiest Tree in Manchester (1/1), brown cortina, dakfinv 
25th-Mar-2009 10:18 pm
Title: Gene, Sam, and the Dirtiest Tree in Manchester
Author: dak
Word Count: 862
Rating: brown cortina
Warnings: pure crack PWP
Pairing: Sam/Gene, Sam/Tree
Summary: There's Sam. There's a tree. And now there's Gene.
A/N: Follows Sam and the Tree. This is culf 's fault. There is really no point to this. In fact, I'm quite embarrassed about it.

“Knew I’d find you here.”

Sam’s stomach lurched as Gene stepped out of the shadows. He instinctively moved closer to the tree, hoping for her protection.

“Guv. How...what do you want?” He tried to keep his voice steady but couldn’t. By the look in Hunt’s eye, he could tell his DCI already knew his disgusting secret.

“Wanted to see you. Thought we’d have a talk at the pub, but you never showed.” Gene took another step forward. His body was relaxed, hands in his pockets, the complete opposite of Sam’s rigid form.

“How did you know I’d be here?” He managed to ask, though his throat was dry.

“Well, you always come here, don’t you Sammy?”

Sam closed his eyes as Gene overemphasized the word “come.”

“When you’re upset,” Gene stepped closer. “When you’ve had a rough day.” And closer. “When you need a bit of comfort.” And closer.

Sam had tried to move away, but she prevented his escape. She pinned him from behind as Gene’s full body pinned him from the front.

“Have a special spot for nature, eh Sammy?” Gene whispered into his ear, his breath warm over Sam’s clammy skin. “Or are you that lonely, hm? Think she’s the only one that’ll have you? The only one that wants you?” His lips brushed against Sam’s ear, but Sam was lost as soon as Gene had said “she.” Suddenly, he felt hands on his waist, running slowly up and down his sides.

“Should know that ain’t true. There are women that want you, Tyler.” The hands reached into his waistband and untucked his shirt. As skin met skin, Sam allowed a soft groan to escape his lips. “There are men that want you, too.” One hand moved back to his waistband, resting on his belt buckle as the other continued to stroke his oversensitive stomach.

“Big, strong men that’ll shag you into next Friday. If you want ‘em to.” Both hands paused, frozen as Gene waited for an answer. Sam was almost too lost in shock and lust to form coherent thought. “Do you want that Sammy? Do you want me to shag you? Take that pretty arse of yours and ram you into your little girlfriend, here?”

Something clicked in Sam’s brain - on or off, he wasn’t sure. But, he took his own hands and placed them on his belt before undoing the buckle himself, followed by the top button of his trousers, and the zip.

“Yes,” he whispered, taking Gene’s hands and returning them to his now pants-covered crotch.

“Yes what?” Gene whispered keeping his hands still.

“Yes, Guv.”

“Good boy.”

Grabbing Sam by the waist, Gene spun him round so his face was pressed against the tree. His face and his straining erection.

“Now,” Gene spoke as he lowered Sam’s trousers and pants. “Usually, I’d use me own brilliant hands to see to your needs.”

Sam felt two lubed fingers work their way into his arse. He gasped, caught off guard by the sudden yet welcome intrusion.

“But, she’ll be able to take care of you, won’t she?”

The fingers were gone, replaced by something longer, harder, and much thicker. Sam turned his face to the side so his cheek would press into the bark. He opened his eyes briefly and noticed Gene had his arms braced on either side of his head as he began to thrust inside him.

Closing his eyes, Sam felt his body succumbing to the sensations around him. Gene from behind, thrusting at a brutal pace while she dug into him from the front, her bark scraping his delicate skin. Gene was so firm and strong behind. She was so firm and strong in front. He couldn’t stop his hips from making their own thrusts. He rocked them back and forth in rhythm with Gene.

It hurt. God it hurt, but it hurt so good, making him feel alive. Making him feel anything at all.

Soon he’d forgotten Gene behind, registering only comfort and warmth as his fingernails dug into her skin, scraping bits away. So lost in his own pleasure was Sam, he didn’t even realize when Gene came inside him. Having yet to reach his own climax, Sam humped the tree with furious abandon as Gene spoke soothingly in his ear, his hands returning under Sam’s shirt, stroking his skin. Sam’s movements were erratic now, all sense of rhythm gone as he hurried to release the pleasurable pressue that had built in his groin.

“That’s it, Sammy,” Gene whispered reassuringly. “Let it out. Let it all out. I want to see your spunk dripping off her branches.” Gene’s words were too much and finally Sam had his blessed release.

He shot up in bed with a scream.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Gene asked blearily, sitting up next to him.

“Oh God. Oh...” Sam dropped his sweating brow into his hands. “Gene. Never let me near a tree. Ever. You understand? I...oh God. I just had the worst nightmare of my entire life.”

“That wasn’t a dream, Sam. That was last night.” Gene pointed out Sam’s dirty fingernails, bits of bark still stuck underneath.

And Sam screamed again.
 
master playstation
Comments 
26th-Mar-2009 03:01 am (UTC)
I think I may possibly love you.

This is brilliant, and just deliciously fucked up.
29th-Mar-2009 03:26 am (UTC)
Thank you. :)

26th-Mar-2009 03:27 am (UTC)
“That wasn’t a dream, Sam. That was last night.”

*spit-take*

My god, that was so incredibly wrong. Dirty, twisted, silly and wrong. No wonder I love it so much :D
29th-Mar-2009 03:27 am (UTC)
This fic is 100% wrong. Just...it's so wrong, it shouldn't even exist. But thank you. :)
26th-Mar-2009 03:31 am (UTC)

AHAHAHAAAA!!!!! That was hysterical!

And now I know exactly WHO can out-perv me. Yep. *hands over the crown of glory*

29th-Mar-2009 03:28 am (UTC)
Oh no. This is NOT more pervy than Sam's "thing" with plushies. Nope. I refuse to believe that.
*hands back (slightly dirty) crown*
26th-Mar-2009 03:36 am (UTC)
Heh. Heheheheheheheh.

You do such wonderful things when you're pushed...
29th-Mar-2009 03:28 am (UTC)
I'm too easily manipulated. I should really just ban culf from all aspects of my life.
29th-Mar-2009 03:31 am (UTC)
I understand evil twins get even more psychotic when separated.
29th-Mar-2009 03:38 am (UTC)
Hmm...maybe we should test that theory? ;)
29th-Mar-2009 03:40 am (UTC)
"I think that would be an extraordinarily bad idea." (/Ghostbusters) She's bad enough when exercising a modicum of self-restraint. And her daddy has a woodchipper.
29th-Mar-2009 03:45 am (UTC)
I live in the middle of the woods and have various hardware tools, like a chainsaw. Plus, the woodchipper is in Norway. She's nowhere near it right now...
29th-Mar-2009 03:47 am (UTC)
So, you think she won't just borrow yours when she comes after you?
29th-Mar-2009 03:50 am (UTC)
But we don't have a woodchipper. I guess I should hide the chainsaw, though.
26th-Mar-2009 04:04 am (UTC)
BWAH! Love the twist(s).

(Also, Gene pinning Sam against the tree? YESPLZ.)
29th-Mar-2009 03:29 am (UTC)
Thanks!

I wouldn't mind pinning Sam against the tree with Gene, if Sam didn't love the tree quite so much.
26th-Mar-2009 07:41 am (UTC)
Oh.My.God. How do you do that? Obviously I had to go back and watch read the first one, and I was struck all over again by the whole "Gene feels sorry for Sam" thing.

You have a deserved reputation for inflicting serious hurt on Sam, but you're also well able to deliver a sweet and beautiful connection between Sam and Gene. (It worries me not a lot that I can totally believe this scenario. We were given in canon a desperately lonely Sam who probably didn't get a shag through the entire two seasons, and I admire the way you have given the tree Gene-like characteristics, or is it the other way round.)

Anyway, I remain entirely undisturbed by this fic, because you've taken a majorly cracky idea and made it possible to take it seriously. I love this line:

He opened his eyes briefly and noticed Gene had his arms braced on either side of his head as he began to thrust inside him.

which is just so real.

And the ending! That's a sneaky little puzzler there. Either Sam is so disturbed by his "nightmare" that he is completely unfazed by waking up in bed with his boss for the first time, or they have an established relationship and Sam was just fantasising the "Guv arrives out of the blue and declares he wants me" aspect of it. Clever.

You can write more Sam/Tree if you want, I don't mind. Just as long as Gene is there too.
29th-Mar-2009 03:31 am (UTC)
I swore I'd never write Sam/Tree again, and that was after the first one. I've now accepted that I'll write whatever culf wants me to, even if I protest at first. So, if she asks for more tree, it'll probably happen.

I do have a soft spot for lonely!Sam, which is probably I wrote these fics in the first place.

Thank you!
26th-Mar-2009 07:49 am (UTC)
hahahah awwww!

Is it horrible the only thought in my head right now is "what about splinters?"
26th-Mar-2009 09:54 am (UTC)
Yes *g* You don't get splinters from bark. Friction burns maybe *hasn't really given it any thought*
29th-Mar-2009 03:31 am (UTC)
I'm sure Sam will have some scratches down there. But will he mind? ;)
26th-Mar-2009 11:24 am (UTC)
It feels very wrong to me that this doesn't feel very wrong to me.

Does that make sense?

I'm fast coming to the conclusion that nothing really disturbs me anymore except people who knowingly and deliberately eat marmite - that's just plain wrong and nasty *g*

Also, one thought did cross my mind whilst reading this . . . wouldn't Sammy's important little places eventually get stained green from rubbing against all the moss and algae that would live on the bark? And how would he ever get the green stains out of his clothes? After all, I think I'm right in saying that they didn't have Vanish powder in 1973.

These points are worrying me.

26th-Mar-2009 02:18 pm (UTC)
There'll be more moss and green goo on the north side of the tree so hopefully they're going at it due south... *g*
29th-Mar-2009 03:32 am (UTC)
Sammy probably likes the stains, even if it means he can't wear the clothes in public ever again. He'll just have to get new clothes and keep the old ones handy for his nighttime tree visits... ;)
26th-Mar-2009 12:50 pm (UTC)
Just as disturbingly brilliant as the first one. Inordinately hot, especially this image: Sam turned his face to the side so his cheek would press into the bark. He opened his eyes briefly and noticed Gene had his arms braced on either side of his head as he began to thrust inside him.
And I love how you have managed to make this about Sam being lonely as well as just being bloody hot.
29th-Mar-2009 03:33 am (UTC)
Thank you!

I think the reason I was able to write this was because of the Sam angst. I have trouble writing pure crack!fic. I think this is as close as I'll get.
26th-Mar-2009 02:22 pm (UTC)
Brings a whole new meaning to 'getting wood', and fabulously filthy fun it is too!

As someone who back in her Rings fandom days wrote Bill the Pony/Treebeard the Ent filth I'm relieved to know I'm no longer a lone purveyor of hot arborial!action. *g*
29th-Mar-2009 03:34 am (UTC)
Bill the Pony/Treebeard? Such a thing exists? (It really shouldn't surprise me.) Oh great. Now I'm imagining Sam discovering an Ent. What would he do with a tree that can respond back to him? (No. No. Erase images from mind!)
26th-Mar-2009 03:16 pm (UTC)
That was was just so right in all the wrong ways! *g*
29th-Mar-2009 03:35 am (UTC)
Thanks! It is a wrong fic. So very wrong.
26th-Mar-2009 03:27 pm (UTC)
I think I've identified what sort of tree it is!

NB the common name...
29th-Mar-2009 03:35 am (UTC)
Oh my gosh! Yes! That's brilliant!
26th-Mar-2009 05:52 pm (UTC)
You have no idea how glad I am that I don't still work in a tree nursery... *g*

This is just as deliciously wrong and insanely hot as the first one. With added Guv. And we thought it couldn't get any better. Ta-dah!

Thanks for nearly breaking my brain in a very good way. :)
29th-Mar-2009 03:36 am (UTC)
I think adding the Guv makes pretty much everything better. I'm sure Sam will agree. ;)

I really need to get away from the trees though. This very nearly broke my own brain!
26th-Mar-2009 09:25 pm (UTC)
Gene/Sam/Tree = OT3 or should we spell it out OTtree?? XD
The last part made me laugh the hardest. :D :D :D
29th-Mar-2009 03:37 am (UTC)
Thanks!

This is the OTtree! But the Cortina may have issues if we consider it the OT3. She gets very jealous...
27th-Mar-2009 01:32 am (UTC)
You know I love this, but I am going to admit to it in public as well. Because yet again you prove to me that fandom will accept anything as long as it's well written.

Sam isn't too happy about you spilling his secret, though.
29th-Mar-2009 03:38 am (UTC)
You're evil. I hate you. I know I said I loved you, yesterday, for making me powerpuff!Cecil, but you really are evil. I don't think this is a very healthy relationship. You using me for tree!porn all the time.
7th-Apr-2009 07:03 pm (UTC)
ha ha ha hot, funny and just plain awesome :D

20th-Feb-2010 10:53 am (UTC)
*DIES SO VERY MUCH*

I love you, I'd just like to say. And both parts of this. Oh, your lovely, lovely, lovely, twisted brain. *pets it*
1st-Mar-2010 12:09 am (UTC)
I have to blame others for forcing me to write this fic and it's companion, but I'm glad you liked it! It was embarrassing to write but if it makes others happy, that's good enough for me. :)
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